A birthday comes but once a year,
Thank God! I hear you mutter,
That circled day on the calendar
Sets your tiny heart a-flutter!

Your creaky joints are bothersome,
Your disco days no more,
It’s comfy shoes for you, my friend
And the latest bunion cure!

Your wobbly bits shake without mercy,
Your sagging parts reach to the floor,
When it’s bargain day at the co-op
You’re the first one out of the door!

Your wrinkles just cannot be hidden,
Tight jeans have lost their appeal,
You find yourself gazing fondly
At ‘one-sizers’ designed to conceal!

Oh, I wish I’d looked after my legs more
And worn my support tights with pride!
Forget the latest mini skirts,
Your varicose veins they won’t hide!

The bubbly you now know is Steradent
To get those chompers clean,
And the closest you get to raunchy
Is a mug of Ovaltine!

Big pants can look rather snazzy
When worn with a vest of your choosing
And elastic waists are a God-send,
When your youthful, trim figure you’re losing.

You cough and sneeze now with caution,
Those tell-tale leaks are a chore
As the latest incontinence catalogue
Drops with your post to the floor!

But life isn’t all doom and gloom
There are plenty of good things in store,
Cheap haircuts, concessions, a bus pass
And winceyette nighties galore!

Enjoy your celebrations,
Forget those old-age fears,
Just light another candle,
Raise your glass, have a drink and say cheers!