A journey through darkness to light
Well it was the festive time, there was gaiety all round, diwali was just round the corner but my world had fallen apart. 14 oct was a doomsday for me as my husband left for his heavenly abode. Suddenly life came to a abrupt halt there was nothing to look forward to , I was totally devastated and was withdrawing myself in a cocoon that overflowed with grief , loneliness, and insecurity of trudging ahead without having someone to lean on . often I was defeated by the sense of hopelessness and a deeper introspection revealed that in the acquisition of bigger material gains we miss out on the small pleasures of day to day life which later on becomes a treasure to cherish.
This realization came a little late when there was nothing but a sense of repentance, of having pushed aside the small joys of life, the loss of dear one kept oozing unbearable pain. I tried to keep a outward façade of cheerfulness, of course I was deceiving none but myself as I was bleeding inside and this baggage of grief became unbearable at the dead of night, when even the constant flow of tears could not wash away the pain only if the tears could wash and leave the heart like a clean slate where life could be restarted with renewed hope,. And of course with his arm around me.
Though emotionally weak but i hated the glare of sympathy and needed desperately to connect myself socially, emotionally and mentally, well soul curry was a platform for that.
A total nonconformist throughout my life suffered for the first time from the guilt pangs for having not observed karva chauth or not adhered to any ritualistic mumbo jumbo, a sort of a doctrinaire who always wanted to live on her own terms had now become like a vulnerable leaf in a strong storm being windblown to unknown dark destinations, yes I was in the midst of this jungle of indifferent civilization. But while wading through the rough weather ,the fragmented pieces of thoughts assimilated into a awakening of new knowledge and there came a sudden enlightenment that with his passing away he paved a path for me towards the unknown dissolving all fears of death, I am grateful to him for this parting gift of self-realization, of realization of supreme existence of God. Now I have become the richest women of this universe by my thoughts, and actions, the materialistic cravings have become irrelevant, a sense of detachment has seeped in.
I can now feel my husband’s essence in the existence of god. The internal void is filled through the journey of enlightenment. I know his physical form is not there for me to see but my connectivity is not to his physical form but to his eternal soul.