There is Love After Love

a writing by Carl Leiland

Sitting directly adjacent to me, a deep adoration for what in my eyes can be considered the woman who saved me. Consoling me while I faced the brooding fears that consumed me. However if ask as to how my relationship with her began, and how this deep burning intensity yearned for her love inside my heart, the thoughts that preside me would be lucidly vague. Especially considering that a handfull of months before her hand was united at the altar. Uttering the words to that of another man, "I do." While I was located on the opposite side of the spectrum for many years united to the hands of loneliness. Uttering the words, "I will never again give my love to the heart of another woman." However none-the-less here we sat adjacent one another, her enolled and I enraptured in the thought of love.

Staring into one another's eyes with a deep ringing affection no poet could ever describe, surrounded by a thick fog of silence. The non explicit image in her eyes was no longer momentary, her sharp composure I had come to endear seemed to lapse into what seemed an eternity. We had been together not nearly long enough for me to pierce completely through her defense mechanisms. Though acquired within unexplainatory circumstances, I had been blessed at birth to read between the lines of insincerity. For whatever reason the gift I had been given told me on that February night that something was weighing mightily on her mind. Armed with the arsonal and acknowledgment of not wanting to disappoint her. I briefly commenced a series of sudden rehearsals as to what I could say to ease the distress that burdened her thoughts, causing a bit of unease to splurge across the room. After deep consideration and a long exhale, I placed my hand onto her leg just above her knee. Gently strumming in a circular motion with my fingertips the top portion of her thigh. Finally reassuring in a low bassed voice, "its only me, you can tell me if something is on your mind."

Already her head in a shameful bow, rubbing her forehead violently with her fingertips, she replied in a melancholly atonement, "I can't do this anymore! I simply just can't wear a smile on the outside anymore, when I'm shattered and so ugly on the inside." Her tears began to flow like a swelled creek on a rainy May day. "Why do I have to be like this, why?" She questioned as her head collapsed into her hands. Though slightly overwhelmed with her response, I cordially took the notion to invite myself onto the sofa where she was sitting. Placing my arm across her neck, I was clueless still yet as to how I was going to sympathize with her in that instant. While still in thought I began to caress my fingers through her hair, before pulling some fallen strands out of her face to tuck it behind her ear so that I could glare into her eyes.

As I seen her bashful beautiful blue eyes look at me I began to speak spontaneously from the heart. "Honey, its okay I've been in the same predicament before as well. There is no shame need to be overlapped in the admittance your afraid. I'm afraid at times too." Gathering her full undivided attention I continued stroking her hair. "If I could strip the pain you feel in your heart right now I would, and bury it deep within my soul. However I can't. The only thing I'm able to do is elucidate the strength I know you have. This feeling you have tonight no doubt will diminish in the morning, but that doesn't mean you are mended. Gather momentum daily. Learn to live, and live to learn until you know you have reached the point that your comfortable facing you fears."

Staring at me and unresponsive, I knew she was stupefied in the poetic metaphors I had presented. I arose to my feet as I clutched her hand, and guided her towards the closest mirror. Introducing her to my reasonings, I explained. "In the not too distant future you will awaken one morning and walk to a mirror one foot in front of the other just as you did tonight, and calmly say; I am scared of you no longer, you will never keep me from doing the things I want to, I am not afraid because I have learned to love."

Peering at our reflection inside the mirror, "what I'm trying to say is you have only one fear, the person looking back at you." Softly I placed my hand over her heart. Feeling it palpitate on my palm I proceeded in telling her, "the fear is not the physical presence reflecting inside the mirror. Its what you are hiding in your heart, and up here in your subconscious." Grazing my thumb lightly across her eyebrow, "isn't it amazing how much hate your mind can generate, while at the exact same time, how much love in all of its power the heart can accumulate. Life is all but one enormous balancing act, you can never truly appreciate love without acknowledging hate. Simply because religion and society tells us we shoud undergo psychiatric evaluations for having such hate appear in our daydreams it doesn't mean you should live in fear. Its important for growth in your life to have a perfect mixture of darkness and light to ultimately see vividly the other colors inside of a kaleidascope.

Observing her I could tell I was finally beginning to ease her frail mind. "At one time," I said as I continued to reassure her, "I use to think of myself as a dreamer, but recently I have become firmly convinced that I am a believer. A believer that not one person should have to strive to face this world alone. What we can't visualize on our own, we can figure out together.

Compounding myself in the situation because I didn't want her to see I had emotionally brought myself to tears. I wrapped my arms around her in a tight embrace, blinding my face from her sight. I held her so tight when I shut my eyes I knew hers shut also. It was then I realized I no longer was afraid of my fears. I had learned to allow myself to fall in love once again. No longer living just in the moment. I wanted to live in that moment forever so I raised my face off of her shoulder allowing her to see the joyous tears in my eyes. "You never have to worry of rising after you have fallen, I will never be there to catch you. I will always be ther before you fall." I said as I fought the words to come out....and we cried together.

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