I am done with this feeling. I was abandoned during that period when a girl needs someone to be there to guide her through the adolescence years. The reason of the desertion being, I-do-not-know. Just that I was left alone. To face this life single-handedly, in a new zone. That of being a developing and growing girl. This time, now that I think about it, the pain is much worse. the one who left, did it voluntarily. It was not death that took her away. She’s alive and breathing. I remember what she used to tell me when I inquired
“I will not be dead.” She would say “What if say, I had died? I will just be far away.”
If it was meant to be a consolation, it turned out to be grief.
“Oh, yes, that is what hurts me you’ll be far away and alive.”
I was irked, I clicked, which is a sign of rudeness, of course. It gave me pleasure to be rude at her, although my conscience always complained later.
Death is painful, but it can be understood. Any other thing is another story. I have spent my life independently, and now, I cannot live under someone’s rules over small things. I am now an adult, that time when rules should have been imposed is long gone. It passed by without her; it’s too late now to treat me as a child. When she had the chance, she left it and such things cannot be reversed. I am sick; the loathing still builds up day by day. I try to get it out of me, but this is so hard for me. I wish… no, this is not the fairy story world where wishes are the way of living; it is real and very hurtful. I resign to the fact that she can never be my friend. She’s just she. The reason why I have suffered quietly is due to this desire called hope. I have been a hoper ever since the departure date. Those years ago when I was beginning to be an adult, now I am a young adult but still nothing shows she’s going to be back soon. Still, there is optimism. I love her very much.