The Hypochondriac Drama Queen

a writing by Skye Kerri- Leigh Bagshaw

Scene 1

(Sammy and Jay have already walked through the pubs and are standing near seats, when Jay sits down. Sammy remains standing looking annoyed),

Sammy: “I suppose I'll be getting them in (mutters) again,
Jay: “Yeah, I'll have the usual,”
Sammy: “ Yes, you do lead a riveting existence, don't you? That's why you're too lazy to get up for yourself every time we go out.” (Rolls her eyes),
Jay: “What's wrong with your eyes? Do you think you should see the optician? Maybe it's catchy. I should go too,”
Sammy: “You need to go somewhere,”
Jay: “Yeah, Broadway. But what about you going and getting them drinks?”
Sammy: “Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you were that desperate for a drink. My heart bleeds for you,”
Jay: “I hope it doesn't bleed too much. You could die. You don't think you will, do you?”

(Sammy goes to the bar, shaking her head, and smiles at the barman after giving the rder. He, and quite a few of the other men nearby smile back. Sammy blushes and then looks at Jay, seeming disappointed)

Scene 2

Sammy: “There's something I need to talk to you about. I-,”
Jay: “Yeah. I got something to say to you. What do you think of my hair?”
Sammy: “For God's sake Jay, it looks the same every time you ask me, which, come to think of it, is every five minutes,”
Jay: “No need to snap. Talk about the need for anger management. Are you suffering from a psychotic disorder?”
Sammy: “No, I am suffering from a pain in the backside,”
Jay: “Really? Is it rheumatism? Is it catchy?”
(Sammy shakes her head and takes hold of Jays hands)
Sammy: “Listen Jay, uni is a big commitment. Getting my Psychology degree is really important to me,”
Jay: “Don't worry. I'll help you. You know I'm an expert,”
Sammy: “You're an expert at skipping Media, being self- centered and a deluded hypochondriac,”
Jay: “Hypochondriac? Really? Should I be in some mental unit then?”
Sammy: “Stop it. It's every day, 24/7 and I can't cope anymore. I need to focus on me,”
Jay: “But you're always talking about you. I never gets a word in edgeways. Do you think you're anti- social?”
Sammy: “I think someone is and it ain't me. You're always thinking of yourself and it's-,”
Jay: “Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That's what I must be suffering from. I told you it was something, but you never believed me. Guess you will need me as a tutor after all,”

(Door opens and closes as Joe walks in)

Jay: “ Hi Joe. Were you saying something Sammy?”
Sammy: “Nothing. Feel free ti ignore me and talk to Joe the rest of the evening,”
Jay: “Ok. Thanks,”

Scene 3

Joe: “Hi,”
Jay: “Hi!”
Sammy: “Jay didn't tell me that you were coming. I wonder why,”
Jay: “Must have slipped my mind. Maybe my memory is going round the twist too,”
Joe: “I can go,”
Jay: “Sit down! Oh my God. I tots sounded like I had Authoritarian Personality Disorder,”
Sammy: “Did you? Did you really?”
Joe: “Right. This is awk-,”
Jay: “This is fine. It would be, I'm here. Sammy, why did you ask that? Are you suffering from Dependent Personality Disorder?”
Sammy: “You tell me. Even though you have no experience in Psychology, never mind the level that I am at, I'm sure you are better than me,”
Jay: “You're probably right,”
Joe: “Are you that thick? She was being sarcastic, moron,”
Jay: “What is everybody's problem? I swear that you two are more mentally disturbed than I am. You should see your Gps to-,”
Sammy: “Shut up!”
Joe: “Yeah. Shut up. I didn't work my late shift to interrupt a “date,” and you being your usual self,”
Jay: “Why were you late? Are you suffering from a lack of awareness? Oh my God, talking about late, Sammy, you were five minutes late coming out of the house. You must be agoraphobic,”
Joe: “I'm goin'. See you later Jay, or not. Text me Sammy when you come to your senses,”
Joe: “Whatever. I don't get why you're-,”
Sammy: “Sorry about... everything,”
Joe: “No problem. I'll be waiting,”

(Joe leaves the pub)

Scene 4
Jay: “What was all that about?”
Sammy: “What?”
Jay: “You and him. About the text and the apology and waiting,”
Sammy: “Nothing,”
Jay: “It was something,”
Sammy: “It's nothing you will understand. Why are you so interested?”
Jay: “Am I being paranoid? I always suspected I had Paranoid Personality Disorder,” (taps the table),
Sammy: “Why are you tapping the table?”
Jay: “One of my OCDs,”
Sammy: “Really? Or is it an attention thing?”
Jay: “Do you think I have ADHD? Or do you think it's about my problem?”
Sammy: “What problem? What's wrong?”
Jay: “Don't tell anyone. Yesterday I accidentally missed a meal. I'm anorexic,”
Sammy: “And I'm a sad loser for staying with-,”
Jay: “Sad? You must be suffering Depression. I had it five minutes ago,” (looks in the mirror)
Sammy: “You certainly ave a lot of changes to put up with, don't you?”
Jay: “Well, I've got bi- polar,”
Sammy: “And I've got doormat written on my forehead, but-,”
Jay: “Where? Did you go to a tattooist? Will you die?”
Sammy: “For once in your life, take notice of somebody else who isn't carrying a mirror for you,”
Jay: “But why would I do that? It gets heavy carrying it by myself and if I carried it walking I wouldn't be able to see myself comfortably,”
Sammy: “See this comfortably. I am fed up with you. You know nothing about any condition, like most people, but to the extreme. And you have the arrogance to take over every conversation with your weird ideas. I'm sick of it. I want us to finish,”
Jay: “You finish it? But I'm the handsome one. I'm the one who's been helping you be more like me,”
Sammy: “It's over. I don't want any “help,”
Jay: “Listen Sammy, I'm really angry and sad right now. I'm Schitzo. It would be wrong to leave me,”
Sammy: “It would be wrong to stay. I'm going to be single, or go out with Joe or one of the men at the bar, but I will never go out with you: The Hypochondriac Drama Queen.”

(Stands up and leaves)

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