Pork & Bean Bulldog

a writing by Kevin Rottweiler

this one was ready to fight the world
after being kicked out of Burger King
so he went downtown to the econo-market
to buy a case of pork & beans

"no longer will they discriminate against me"
the wrinkled English Bulldog said
he had a long face, sad but exhuberant
like an old man about 93 years old

people stepped in front of him
as though his life did not matter
kicked him out of fast food places
kicked out of everywhere

he had an overbite and a funny looking face
but to most dog lovers, he was a love-bug
he would sit on your lap but leave a puddle sometimes
his urinary tract was worn out
but in this case, love wins
you either love em' or leave em'
this English Bulldog could put a smile on anybody's face
he had God's grace

so he had a grand plan
to eat the case of pork & beans
and retaliate against all the evildoers
and he was going on a journey

and he ate the pork & beans
outside the veterinary clinic
still holding a grudge against Dr. Mean
and he swallowed the beans with his
paw held over his nose
because even he did not like them

and he ate, at least half the cans
stirring the brown sugary broth
with a spoon in his paw

and then he got bloated
like a Rolaids commercial on television
or the gas tablet commercial
and he was planning a victory of all victories

the methane gas built up in his stomach
intestines overpouring with gas
what a way to get back at an evil world
that discriminated against a lovely Bulldog

and he went into the clinic
and they looked away
as if his old face scared them
and he said...
"package for you"
and the veterinary assistant backed off
and the mean doctor came to the desk

"package for you"
and the Bulldog danced
and a rainstorm of gas
emerged from his tail
he almost floated in the air
as he encompassed an entire room full of
pork & bean gas
fumes for Dr. Mean

and the doctor gagged
how could a doctor not love animals
he studied so long for?
and the doctor fled, out of the office
in embarrassment and humiliation

then the old Bulldog chalked up a victory
on a napkin he had hidden in his ear
wrote 1 crayon mark
as victory

down the street he went
determined to blow the fumes
at every evildoer he ever met
in his short life

to the policeman, to the veterinary people
to the fast food industry
he floated in the air
like a balloon
smiling in a victory all his own

and the English Bulldog
laughed and laughed as the people
hated him even more

and he had victory in his own mind
never would he be laughed at again
and then he went into the pharmacy
and asked for gas relief tablets
and the pharmacist passed out
behind the counter

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