Our antique table, decorated of sparkling china,
Was set to the hilt.
But my wonderfully planned day was about to tilt.
I've invited the entire family, one and all.
And as family goes, we were all in it for the long haul.
Oh, what a delicious big fat brown bird,
The thought of watching calories seemed absurd.
Then as I attempted to place that bird,
That old gravy boat, rocked, wobbled, and spilled
Oh no, Grandpa's old hunting boots now filled.
Then swiftly I knelt to clean up the mess,
When gooey turkey gravy, slid down to my new dress.
But that my friend is just the beginning,
Of our families Christmas Day Dinner.
One I feared, one was to be the new winner.
As I looked under the table, I spied sprawled out flat,
It was Fluffy, my neighbors hefty charming cat.
I sadly gazed, upon all 75 pounds of solid kitty cat joy.
I said, "Here Fluffy. Here kitty kitty cat,"
but I could not lure him out.
Not even with tid-bits, of last nights left over trout.
Then with out a prior thought,
I tried to lift him to the door.
He soon let out an awful loud snore.
As we both wobbled, swayed, and whirled,
Then fell, both sprawled out on the floor.
Now this of course may seem to some a grew-some detainment,
But as for that cat,
I'd rather have tossed him into caged confinement.
Yes, cute Fluffy and all his kitty cat charm.
Now I fear a cause for another Christmas dinner alarm.
He's distressed my invited guests today,
and I too, am now in total dismay.
But some way, somehow,
I'm still convinced to get Fluffy out....out my door.
I rested a minute on my once clean polished floor.
He lay so innocently quiet on my floor,
while looking like grandma's old mink shawl.
Then suddenly... he shot like a lightening bolt,
over us all.
I so... wanted to believe that all would soon be fine,
after all this party was mine,
Soon Fluffy ran down my hall, and hit the wall like a ball.
Little Jenny's not far behind.
I thought, Oh now I'm in an awful bind.
I looked, I cried, he sighed, "Meowwwww!"
And then jumped onto my lavender bulb covered,
Lovely Christmas tree of pine.
It wobbled, it swayed, it drooped like a brick.
Oh may, this makes me sick.
There by the door I sit, ready for a crying fit
Like a flash in the night his paws flying to and fro,
Like beaters on my mixer, low then high.
That brown turkey bird now resembles granddad's old deer jerky.
Fluffy jumps... landing in the sweet potatoes, and hot honey rolls.
And then, down the table he takes his Christmas stroll.
"He's pure evil,"I yelled. Now with his eyes flashing red
Into the kitchen he flew like a flash,
Landing on a counter of dishes he began to quickly smash.
From the counter he plopped into the sink,
My sanity now was on the blink.
Tilly rounded my kitchen door.
He grasped at Fluffy before fainting to the floor.
After that it was all a blur, as Fluffy attempts to even the score.
Upward She leaps, with all four paws, dangling from my kitchen chandelier.
Then right by me she give a horrifying sneer.
I swayed and wept in total display, of the utter chaos that day.
Yep, the worst Christmas ever at our family's house.
I still ponder how that cat ever got in, quiet as a mouse.
Then when I thought it wouldn't get any worse,
Grandma began chasing Fluffy with her alligator fo-fur purse.
She looked him in the eye, as if he were some dreadful disease of plague.
Opens this mouth, and shoves in a giant deviled egg.
She was so mad, she gave that cat her famous wrinkled geezer sneer.
They leaped with a pounce, as I feared on him she's bounce.
We all sadly feared grandma would stuff the cat.
I hope she don't find the kids old bat.
Little Jenny yelled,"Oh Grandma is a big sinner.
She's killing Miss Tilly's cat, and for our Dinner!"
Fluffy and Grandma were then enthralled in an awful spat.
I did so fear for that poor dear cat.
Just as my clock struck twelve, old Uncle Bud tossed poor Fluffy out that door,
Oh, now Grandma's running along behind them yelling.
"If I get my hands on that cat, I'll make it the Christmas bird."
Now you'd think that was enough?
No, for there in our yard stood tall, trim, and fit, Miss Fanny's big dalmatian, Gruff.
He spots on the porch Miss Tilly's tempting ball of fluff.
His teeth now showing while his fierce anger was growing.
Gruff chases Fluffy swiftly back into or festive home.
Then quick as a wink the passed me by
I just wanted to sit down to have a good cry.
The howling, growling and meowing. Their woofing and meowing
I gazed around and about, there was not doubt, with
Flashing lights now dangling.
Christmas wreath lies mashed in the snow, with disbelief I'd never show.
Nothing was quiet, throughout the uproar came,
Uncle Oswald with his new high tech camera,
I shuttered to think, I'd see it later on you tube, called, 'Fluffy and Gruff's insane Christmas game.'
Without a doubt, our precious Christmas dinner in chaos, was now irreversible.
And our once delicious dinner, was now un-salvageable.
Gramps fired his gun up in the air, then as the smoke cleared the clouds... in mortal fear hid the sun.
Gruffy and Fluffy stop suddenly at the old guns blast,
Each with horrified expressions of despair.
Just before they jumped the garden gate,
I sighed. "Oh what a pair."
Now finally, all is well.
We all sit down, among the strewn needles of pine,
with bits of turkey so fine that Fluffy had shredded graciously, so fine.
Sweet potatoes...now hanging from the wall,
and grandma's wig, still laying on the floor down the hall.
Our Christmas was ruined, but our family united
I wonder, were they all glad they were ever invited?
Linda Terrell ©
November 17, 2010