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a poem by peninnah ng'ang'a, Kenya

Mama used to say,even knights fall off the chariot once in a while,so if you find yourself crying again for the needle,don't sweat it baby
"Tomorrow you can start all over again."
What she didn't tell me,was what to do if each tomorrow is same as today

.Crying,bleeding,needing,begging for the needle.

I love the sense of purity when am not using and the feel of standing on my own without the supplement.Makes me feel uncrackable,indomitable,impossible to defeat.

.But the craving stroke when i least expected.

I been doing great for the last one week,found this new obsession,cooking and cleaning my clean house each night so i don't get to think of you and the pill has also been doing an awesome job stealing my conscious and nightmares.
last night though,last night,i lost it.

.System crashed.

I tried!Lord knows i did, but the need and suffering got too overwhelming.
I had to.I had to lay my hands on the toxin.
I had to see you,touch you,feel you,taste you,sniff you...Just this once

.I had to.

Holding the pillow against my body or counting my blessings to remind myself just how great i am without you is not working.

Whoever said it gets easier with time obviously had never tasted anything this good,empowering,exploitative,dangerous... or had such taken away from them.

Am sorry for last night.It would be easier for me say i didn't mean it but i did.I meant it.I had to

.I needed it.

But unlike an alcoholic,fallen one too many times,am back on track.
My eyes are on the road,no turn around,no looking back!
I can do this.i will do this

.I got this!

Fare thee well my friend.

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