travel through time.... (Pain,Forgivness,Healing)

a poem by Myrna Martin, USA

Age 5, when I should have been protected and loved..
I was mentally abused, and I kept my mouth shut...
This is what I know... and I know its' not right..
To get and I Love you ...
To get I am sorry... I first have to go through the fight..
The screaming, the yelling.. was just too much..
I was held down, and chased, and tied to a chair..
I screamed and I cried.. Why didn't he care?

For years I accepted, and protected my abuser...
I was conditioned, and my brain was hardwired..
I struggled profusely to understand why.. But abuse is
an ugly cycle, I was only 5...
I hid under the table, in fear of what would come..
When Mom would go to work, and Dad was not home...
But pain, is something you can forget with love...
Because Loyalty and blood are one...


How could God have made me this way?
At the age of 7, I felt such pain...

It hurts, I feel too much...
My tears easily come...
My chest pain aches...
I stand in my room....
As my anger awakes...
I look up to the Heavens....
And I scream in rage....
I am Angry at God...
Please take these feelings away...
I will never forget...
Standing alone in my room....
A little girl of 7...my youth in bloom...
I hurt for humanity....
My burden is huge...
I don't understand Evil...
I don't understand Hate...
I don't understand why people have to be that way...
So easy to hurt, humanity they break...
My sensitivity is hurting me...
It's too much for me to take...
As I get older, it is still the same way...
I feel, I hurt, but can't make the pain go away...
What is this vibration? This connection to all?
Is it a curse or a gift?
Will it be my down fall?
My child hood had pain,
My Brother's beatings,
were bad... I loved my Father...
but didnt' understand Dad...

His anger of course
...Biblical in understanding..
thou shall not spare the rod...spoil the child verse claiming...
Too much for me to take, thought my Father's word was God...
My Parent's divorced, age 10...
numbness in my head... This image I had, of perfection lost...


I thought my mind would unravel, I continued
to feel pain... my Mom held me, and wondered what to
do.. Is she losing her Daughter? Is she losing her Son too?


Teenage years came, Painfully shy....
I don't understand why I can't love myself..
and see the beauty in my own eyes...
But, all Is see,
is an ugly reflection of me... I hate looking in
the mirror, I don't like what I see. How can this
beautiful, little girl....
Be so ugly to me??
My heart is sensitive....
I continue to care...
Be helpful to others....
I AM a good Daughter...
I love, and I share...

Age 14, I looked at the knife...
Thoughts swirled in my head...
I know it's not right...
Age 19 got married..1992, another journey to take...
My babies were born, they are my light...the
love I feel for my children saved my life..
Unhappy in marriage, but loved being a wife..
Love being a Mama so much more.. That is my true joy, what I'm here for....
My twenties happened, and then later my divorce.. 2001 a married Woman no more...
AM I NOT MEANT TO BE LOVED? IS THIS MY ONLY COURSE?
I looked at the gun, my parents hid it from me..
My mind was messed up, 5 years I mourned...
Moved on.. or so it seemed...
Never realized the emotional...
hills and valleys, and rollercoasters I descended....How do I come out from the depths?
Emotional pain is horrible... would much rather SEE A BRUISE healing. Then take this internal battle.....it leaves one realing...
I got through that as well...A new marriage Again, July 24th, 2004,
I thought I married my friend....But that was a lie...His promises he did not keep...he took and he took....
He made me weak....he used and abused...A wonderful marriage, was just
a lie... but not for the lack of trying...Maybe this is my lot in life..
Maybe this, I must endure? A penance I must take?? Where did I go wrong? Will my soul get a remake?
December 12th, 2004 I lost my Dad...
The pain I felt, was just too bad..
The only Man that ever loved me for me...
And that was my Father, unconditionally...
HIS PRECIOUS PRINCESS, THAT IS WHAT HE CALLED ME..
I was Daddy's girl, truly too.. But, I saw things I shouldn't have had too...
Cancer is an ugly thing...
IT took him from me..
Such heart ache it brings....
I am an adult orphan...
Or so it seems to me...
My 30's, my heart grieved...
My marriage continues, unhappily...
IF love could have fixed it, then it wouldn't hurt if......
But in 2006 my baby girl was born...
She is my Treasure, my Grace.... my Queen...
I LOVE BEING A MOTHER, this is my place...
2013 divorced yet again.. But, peace I find in my home..
No yelling Man...
My children and I, a safe haven we create....
No more drama for me. I can finally relate..
I understand, that life is too short..
You don't have to live this way.. There's no need for that sort...
In 2014 Cancer came...
It threatened to destroy, and with it came pain...
Radiation treatments, and isolation..
I tried to heal, but my family was in turmoil..
I was with an abusive Man..I PICKED ANOTHER ONE , yet AGAIN...
My Mother had enough, and shut me
out. I am her only daughter..
But, I get it now, she had to distance herself from
me.. she couldn't handle my emotional and physical
pain, at the same time you see...
Her baby girl, that she prayed to God would live..
Picked an abusive man...
And that,she couldn't forgive..
THIS CYCLE I MUST BREAK!
Finally, I awakened from my haze..

BUT STILL....
Your too sensitive they told me...
I thought I would break...
I am broken, I thought...
This must be my fate...
What am I hear for?
No purpose, no space...
What difference do I make??
Anxiety, Ptsd, then Cancer came...
I thought Sweet Jesus...How much more can I take?
Then I had an awakening... It was like God's gentle voice...
I had to love and accept me, and continue to bring positivity...
Share my testimony, my own story to tell...
It's okay to heal, it is okay.. Don't dwell..
MOVE on from the past. And realize your worth it..
LOVE yourself.. and don't ever let someone tell you, YOU DON'T DESERVE IT....
@2016 Myrna Martin




don't tell
Pain...
There is more to you than this....

Top Viewed Not Categorized Poems & Top Viewed Poems

Other poems from Myrna Martin, USA

If you like this poem, post a message below to the poet!
 
 
 


1

Viewed 410 times

VoicesNet Likes