Shadow Self

a poem by Skye Kerri- Leigh Bagshaw, UK

What is my shadow self?
It belongs to me and nobody else
It whispers secrets to me
And it's something nobody else can see
A lot of it was built from my childhood
So carrying it doesn't feel good
And a large part feels empty searching for love
Some of it is bitter
Whereas I wish there was good banter
But I will always resent my trauma
Despite forgiveness and love being my mantra
Part of it feels lonely
But I love my independence
So that makes me feel phoney
There are elements of pain
And how I'm difficult in relationships like I'm playing a game
And issues with food
Plus difficulty managing my mood
The empty part seeks something to feel whole
So it's a lover of trying to gain control
Sometimes my shadow self makes me dramatic
Or lust after everything romantic
Sometimes my shadow side makes me mope
Or find dysfunctional ways to cope
Sometimes it makes me desperate and sigh
Or Nihilistic to the point I cry
Sometimes the effort of covering it with a front
Makes me somnolent
So does my fear of abandonment
Part of it stems from abuse
Makes me feel worthless like I'm born to lose
Some of it is feeling the loner in a crowd
Who is different because she is hypersensitive to everything loud
Sometimes it's the part of me that will moan
When I feel alone
Or the part of me that is silent
Or full of word salad waffle
Or who regularly lives in a hovel

My teacher is looking at me wanting to know what I put
I decide to listen to my gut
I feign confusion in the lesson
“Sorry Sir what was the question?”
Some things are too private to share
Unless I cry he won't care
Plus it's my secret side
So I can choose to hide

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